Confessions of a Borderline Cynic

Okay…Here’s one…

My secretary (my “protector”) stuck her head through my door about a week ago and said something like: “There is a man out here who would like a moment of your time.”

I said, “Who is it?”

She said, “I don’t know.”

“What does he want?”

“I don’t know…Wants to talk to you.”

My first (cynical) thought is that someone has come seeking assistance…and (I am embarrassed to admit) that I had to take a deep breath followed by an audible sigh before I said, “well, okay.”

Then she said, “Oh yeah! He’s the father of one of our preschoolers.”

Then I thought, “Oh no…I knew it was always possible! An estranged father who wants to get/nab/take his kid! What is the protocol? What is the protocol?”

I took a deeper breath…“Okay…I’ll come to him” (That way I wouldn’t get trapped in my office.).

I was more than a little flustered.

He said, “Hey, Pastor. We’ve never met. But my son Thomas (who goes to your preschool) has been coming to VBS here for a few years. My wife and I always wanted to make a donation to that ministry…we just never could. But, we came into some extra blessings. So, here!” And he put a check in my hand for $500.00.

 

Here’s another…

Yesterday, the weather was horrid (it is today, too!)…But I had promised I’d make a visit to Mary.

As I sat in my car in the parking lot of the skilled nursing/rehab center where she is, I was finishing up a conversation on my phone. While I was in that conversation, my phone started ringing with another call.

I hung up with the first, got out of the car, called the second while I was walking in to see Mary and said, “I’m just calling to ask if I can call back in about 30 minutes…I’m just walking in the door to do a visit (“do a visit”…as if it is something I bestow/distribute/hand out/control! Pitiful. Cynical.).”

I said, “It will be real quick!”

An hour and a half later, I walked out with a goofy-shaking-my-head kind of look on my face.

Mary is very weak and very small and old.

I can’t remember now, but I think she took a fall that landed her in the hospital, then subsequently into this rehab facility.

As a younger woman, Mary was a concert pianist.

She graduated from the Oberlin Conservatory.

Her hands are gnarled now…But she loves to talk about her favorite/least favorite/most challenging piece of music/professor/conductor/performance.

Her hands have been unusable since I’ve known her.

I’ve never heard her play.

That makes me sad.

In any case, when I went in she let me know that, the day before, Marilyn brought her a Worship Bulletin from church.

She said, “Baptism of Our Lord…” I bet it was beautiful!

I said “It was” (and it was).

I looked on her bed-table and saw it, then said, “Did Marilyn bring you this new Word in Season, too?”

She said, “Yes, but I can’t hold it. And I hate to ask a nurse to just read it to me.”

I said, “I’ll read it” (even though...cynical…I don’t read Word in Season with any regularity…I always imagined it too “quaint” for my sophisticated palate! Ends up…I was wrong…Shocking!).

I took another deep breath (secretly feeling like I am being a good and benevolent pastor…Cynical and condescending!!! Nice.) and read yesterday’s (Jan. 12) entry.

I didn’t “pre-read,” I just took off reading.

The very first thing on the page: “Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck.”

She said, “Read that again.”

Then, she chuckled and said “I know how that feels.”

I finished the day’s reflection with the prayer that is provided:

“Keep me connected with the things that matter today, and don’t let fear (or, in my case cynicism) keep me from extending my heart in love. Amen.”

This time I chuckled!

When I finished reading, she said, “Would you mind reading another?”

I ended up reading all the way back to the beginning of the year…All the while, my mind vacillating between the thoughts: “Oh, my word…This is Holy, holy ground! Be present to this blessing. Be present to this blessing!” and “Sara, you are such an obnoxious, cynical idiot! Thanks be to God for Mary’s fingers that forced you to stop and be care-full!” Then I started thinking about the place in scripture where I think it is Paul who says something about ‘God’s power being made perfect in our weakness.’ Something like that anyhow.

 

I could recall at least a dozen more cynical-shattering moments over the past week (I need a lot of them!)…but this blog is already getting too long…So, come visit, and we’ll share a cup of coffee and swap stories.

 

As we were watching the National Championship game last night, Cliff (my husband) – for no reason that I can remember, probably a commercial that came on, or something – said something like, “How do you keep from being constantly cynical” (Notice…he did not say, “How do you keep from being cynical?”… but “How do you keep from being constantly cynical?”)? I chuckled again.

Here is my confession, dear reader(s): I preach a really, really good sermon on the persistence of light shining in darkness…But, sometimes, the darkness seems so deep…and – if we are honest – easier…right? (I don’t know if that makes sense.).

It’s just easier to assume the worst.

It’s just easier to have defenses up all the time.

It’s easier to fall into cynicism.

 

I answered Cliff, “I don’t know.”

Then I remembered that the man who came in to give me that check, used an Ohio State check (big ol’ buckeye watermark thing on it!), and I remembered that I had forgotten to tell Cliff about that day! So, I told him.

Then, I said, “I don’t really know…I guess I get paid to be constantly on the lookout for God (probably a cynical sentiment). It’s a pretty good gig if you can get it!”

 

Then that blasted Word in Season prayer fell into my head again: “Keep me connected with the things that matter today, and don’t let fear (cynicism) keep me from extending my heart in love. Amen.”

 

Some days are easier than others, you know.

And some days, it takes gnarled hands to show us the light.

Strange isn’t it?