Seeking Signs of Life

"What are you looking for?"

That's the question Jesus asks the two disciples who are following him (John 1.38). It is, in my opinion, one of the most provocative questions a person can ask, or be asked.

What are you looking for?

I'm not sure that any of us can answer that...not for ourselves, and certainly not for anybody else.

What are you looking for?

Love? In all the wrong places?

Answers?

Meaning? 

Significance?

Purpose?

Confidence?

Forgiveness?

For me...right now, at this moment (tomorrow, I may answer differently), I am looking for signs of life. 

I know, right? Such a little thing!

It seems like it has just been building...

It all started about 2 years ago, December 29 (my husband's birthday!) when our dog, Tendai died. We were visiting my in-laws, in Charleston, when it happened (which ended up being a great blessing, as they could keep the kids while we were at the vet's). We had to have him put to sleep. Telling the kids was so hard. Lucy wailed. Henry wept.

Before too long, not only did we have another dog, we also had the first of four new furry friends...all in the form of hamsters. We only had one at a time. That's right...if we've only had one at a time, that means that we have "gone through" three. Over the course of two years, we have managed to let three hamsters die (I prefer to say we "let them die." To say that we killed them sounds even worse!). They survived anywhere from 2 weeks to 308 days (Lucy, our daughter, has kept track). The fourth, and the one who is still living, is named "Hope," for obvious reasons. 

The summer after Tendai died, my mother was diagnosed with Stage IV adenocarcinoma. 

In the middle of cancer diagnoses and dying hamsters, one of whom we are fairly certain died as a result of a brain trauma suffered after Cliff, my husband, "flung" him off of his finger into the bottom of the cage (to be fair, the hamster had bitten Cliff), we got our son, Henry, a bearded dragon, because we were not going to have another furry friend in the house. Henry's bearded dragon is named Mr. Fluffypants! 

When we acquired Mr. Fluffypants, our friend, Beth, suggested that we try "growing" our own meal worms (bearded dragons love meal worms). One of her kids' teachers "grows" them in the classroom. How hard can it be? asked the family who has seen the demise of three hamsters (amazing that Petsmart keeps selling them to us!). We set up a terrarium, and her son's teacher supplied all we would need. Who knew we weren't supposed to feed the beetles to Mr. Fluffypants? He enjoyed them. Within two weeks, there was no sign of life in the terrarium.

Somewhere, in the middle of all of this, my mother has a scan that reveals, what the oncologist calls, an "angry tumor" on her thigh...it's causing a lot of pain. Probably some kind of sarcoma (that's not good). She is treated with radiation...miraculous results. No pain...apparently "dead" tumor.

Back to the mealworms...Since we seem to have fed the "life-source" beetles to the lizard, we put about a half-dozen "store bought" meal worms in the terrarium and didn't touch them, hoped, and prayed. 

Before too long, I could see that three of the store-bought meal worms seemed lifeless...fat...unmoving...stuck in a corner. "You have got to be kidding me! Why cant we keep anything alive?!" 

Back to my mother.

Six weeks ago, my mom had another "scan." It showed a new "growth" in her lung (the one that was - before then - tumor-free). "Are you serious?!" This among the dying mealworms!

"Let's not panic," said her oncologist, whom we adore (Kathryn Mileham). "We'll do another scan in 6 weeks...keep a close eye on it." 

I go home and look in the terrarium...I should really get those three lifeless mealworms out of the there...bad mojo, you know? But who wants to dig them out? Not me.

Mom has her "follow up" scan this past Thurs. 

The cancer seems to have "taken off." Most likely, the "angry tumor" come back to life.

She is in the hospital for two days. At the end of each, tired and weary, I go home and look at the dying mealworms. Even fatter...turning brown, at this point. Little "nubs" protruding out of their sides.

I look closer...they are "resurrecting"...they are becoming beetles...life-sources. They are brown and moving and the "nubs" are becoming legs. We will not feed them to Mr. Fluffypants. They will "birth" mealworms. 

"What are you looking for?" Jesus asks. I am looking for signs of life.

Who knew such simple things as mealworms could remind me that "life wins!"?

May your eyes be quicker to see signs of life than mine have been...And may all of us be quick to point out signs of life to our sisters and brothers who feel bombarded by death.

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