Confessions of a really confused high schooler who graduated a LONG time ago

The summer before I began high school, my family moved from the only home I'd known in South Florida to, what felt like, a very small town in Tennessee. As the youngest of three children, I'd always kind of been the "star of the show." My sister will concur that I was stereotypically spoiled and always believed to be "in the right" in any dispute with her (Those of you who know my sister, whom I now totally and sincerely adore, will believe me when I say that I actually was most often in the right! But, that is beside the point.).

 

The move to Tennessee, though, changed everything. My brother (the oldest of the three) had left for college several years earlier, and Leslie - who, unbeknownst to her, had always been my "cool" barometer had just begun college as soon as we moved. I was "on my own."

 

We moved at the beginning of the summer, which was actually quite helpful, because I was able to go to band camp with the rest of the band kids...That was really very important, because everyone in this town had grown up together and been best friends forever. It was a very hard community to "break into." Subsequently, I spent a whole lot of time and energy trying to fit in.

Trying to get invited to sit with the cool kids.

Praying to get invited to the party that the homecoming queen hosted.

 

I'm pretty sure that if you asked other kids, they'd probably tell you that I was one of the cool kids...but that was never really me.

I spent time laughing at jokes I should never have laughed at and walking by people I should have stopped to help and taking part in gossip when I never should have and being desperately jealous of the accomplishments of others...All because I felt threatened and would sell myself out just so I would feel accepted.

 

So, when I read Jesus' words in Luke 14 (vss. 12-14): "When you give a luncheon or a dinner, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or rich neighbors, in case they may invite you in return, and you would be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, and the blind. And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you"...When I read those words, I understand...and the part I understand best are the last words, "You will be blessed because they cannot repay you." I know what an odd part to so particularly understand, right?

 

But, here's the thing I've come to know - the blessing is in being yourself. Know what I mean?

 

I spent so much time and energy trying to be someone I wasn't (just so that I could be "repaid" by praise and appreciation and acceptance) that I missed the blessing of just being me.

I spent so much time trying to compete with you and feeling threatened by you that I never really got to know you and celebrate the blessing of you being you!

And I know I'm not alone in this!

 

It took me a long time (and more than a little time with some great pastoral counselors) to learn to celebrate who God created me to be. Truth be told, I still need to be reminded every now and then...

 

That's part of the reason we come together as the church - to remind each other that each one of us has been created in the uniquely "us" image of God...who has poured love and grace and life on us in such abundance that we simply cannot repay (i.e. we are all the poor, the crippled, the lame, and the blind who have been invited to the banquet and who cannot repay).

 

And at those moments when we bask in the blessing of being who we truly are, we find that we are no longer exhausted but are energized. It's really pretty amazing (although not so good news for the media who try to convince us that we are not now, nor ever will be, good enough - and who drive us to exhaustion to buy, buy, buy acceptability and acclaim and "cool-ness.").

 

My daughter Lucy...I worry about her a lot - because when I say that I spent a lot of time and energy trying to fit in, I mean I spent A LOT of time and energy trying to fit in...And I so much do not want her to waste her time in that way. She's already (and only) nine years old. And she is as free and loving a spirit as God ever created. I do everything I can to surround her with people who celebrate her (because, let's face it...she will listen to others more than she will ever listen to her parents...Or, at least I did.). And I think it's working! She truly celebrates who she is...every day and with just about every breath!

 

Can you imagine how much free-er, and more honest, and more lovely, and more "real," and less competitive, and more God-like the entire world would be if every child (and every adult) had people surrounding them to celebrate them?

 

It would change everything.